Dilemma

Last night, had a very long, tiring, emotional-draining talk with him. One thing for sure, it breaks my heart into million pieces when I saw his tears. I can't think straight anymore. What do I really want in this relationship? Is it worth the pain, the tears, the arguments to stay in this relationship? I wonder what he's feeling right now. He don't want to share his feelings with me. All I can see is his smile and his laugh while deep down inside, he's fighting with his own anger and hatred towards me. Why are you making this so hard for me?

A simple questions "Why do you do this things to me?" started off our talk. A questions that I cannot answer, didn't dare to answer, and I left it hanging there without any answer. It's true that it is all my fault. We had been a couple (maybe), and I don't suppose to flirt with another man and cheat on him. But P is so adorable, despite of his temper, and know how to tackle me. Both of them are so dear to my heart and I can't bring myself to be further apart from each one of them. 

I want to let both of you go and give time to us to think over about this relationship. It's better that way and that's the only way to make everybody satisfied. I'm not that strong enough to leave you both and I need both of you. How selfish I am. I need to clear up my head first, prioritize things that I should have done and maybe I can think more clearly after that. 

In the end of our talk, we did not agree to anything. He want things just the way they are and maybe he will doing the same thing I did to him; looking for another girlfriend. I know I shouldn't bother by that but ouchh..it's still hurt at the same time, a lot, when he said those things. 

I wonder how much I hurt him. 
I wonder what is his feelings right now.
I wonder what does he sees in me.
I wonder if he ever trust me again.
I wonder if this love going to last.
I wonder what would be the ending of our story.
I wonder...


Cried myself to sleep last night. Things that I hate the most.