Torn up

I'm torn up between two. How can I please both hearts? It's hurts everytime I try to please both. Can I be the selfish one for once?

Do they ever think about my feelings? I wonder..

In the end, I don’t know what I should do. End up stressed myself up. Think about it, it's my mistake for being too kind and too naive. That's what everyone else told me. But how not to kind to others when they are in need? It is wrong to be the good samaritan?

To whom should I seek for advice?

p/s: I like it better when i'm alone. Sometimes..

Reminder

I wonder how can u know everything, all the lies and yet you don't tell me? I'm worried bout you, bottling up all your feelings. It is not good for you. I wish you can just tell me your feelings, whether it's good or bad.

I would prefer you to show your feelings, open up your hearts a bit for me to see the true you. For now I've seen the good side of you but not your worse side. Let me see your worse side for once dear. Just once.  Let me accept your worse as I accept your good side.

Dear P,

I'm leaving you behind and I'm not ready to tell you I'm going away. Away from this relationship. I need to clear off my mind and think carefully bout this relationship. I thought you were different but guess I'm wrong. I'm not perfect and neither do you but I'm totally taken aback with what you've done. I'm sure you will find someone better than me. Don't worry..we were never in relationship from the beginning. Let's be friend will you?

Dear heart,

This is brain talking. Please be strong and not easily fall with someone's hearts.  For once, do listen to me. Be rationale and let go all the feelings you still have for your exes. They are not yours anymore. Move on from your past because they surely do. There's nothing there except for memories and pain. Your space is almost full with all the memories the pain the feelings. Do get rid of them. Start anew. I will always be there for you. Your friends will always be there for you. Don't feel like you alone cause you never alone. Be strong and keep beating. I'm so proud of you, beating strongly even after all the heartbreaks and tears.

p/s: counting days.. and I'm getting scared to leave this place.

Choices

One of my resolutions for 2014 is to improve in work and gain more experiences all that. Now, I'm being offered to transfer to Labuan, and be a service engineer who will be taking care 3 existing plant and incoming one more plant. I know the offer will be good for my future and experience but somehow I'm scared. I will not lie. I'm scared I cannot withstand the pressure and stresses and the most important, what if I can reach other's expectations? 

However, this decisions will help me to get out from my comfort zone, doing things I never expect I would do and help me to grow (I hope). Pray for the best and I hope this is the best decisions I've ever made. 

HATE

I hate the way you drive. Acting so careless and reckless. I hate it so much. Why do you have to drive that fast and reckless? I've told you a few times now that I hate the way you drive and yet you still doing it.

Hati terguris

Feel like my heart been stabbed by tiny tiny needles when I saw you're texting with another. Even we are not a couple, it's still hurt a bit. No.. I'm not going to lie. It is hurt.

But..life must go on. Just smile like there's nothing wrong. 

Feeling lazy to do anything today. I was thinking where the hell is my working mood. I'm supposed to work my ass and why the hell am I just sit around doing nothing.

My mind wandering around, thinking bout both of you..

p/s: I'm worried bout you.

Resolution 2014 Pt 1

7 days since 2014 started and I haven't made any resolution for this year yet. I know that it is quite lame to list out all the resolution since by mid year no one will bother with the resolution all that. But, here's are some of my resolution:-

1. Keep healthy (maybe lose some of the weight a bit) - most friends said that I look like gajah now than 3 years back. I blame the hormone and the food and the ex bf.
2. Give more to mom and family - now that I already working, it is time to give some of my pay to mom and family. After all, they did support me for more than 20 years. Maybe a trip to Aussie will be good for mom
3. Travel more - travel inside and outside Malaysia. Pulau Pangkor, P. Tioman, Korea, Bali, Singapore, and the list goes on and on.
4. Improved in work - gain more knowledge, experience, and not afraid to try something new.
5. Try to write at least one post in blog everyday. No use in bottled up your feelings.

Dilemma

Last night, had a very long, tiring, emotional-draining talk with him. One thing for sure, it breaks my heart into million pieces when I saw his tears. I can't think straight anymore. What do I really want in this relationship? Is it worth the pain, the tears, the arguments to stay in this relationship? I wonder what he's feeling right now. He don't want to share his feelings with me. All I can see is his smile and his laugh while deep down inside, he's fighting with his own anger and hatred towards me. Why are you making this so hard for me?

A simple questions "Why do you do this things to me?" started off our talk. A questions that I cannot answer, didn't dare to answer, and I left it hanging there without any answer. It's true that it is all my fault. We had been a couple (maybe), and I don't suppose to flirt with another man and cheat on him. But P is so adorable, despite of his temper, and know how to tackle me. Both of them are so dear to my heart and I can't bring myself to be further apart from each one of them. 

I want to let both of you go and give time to us to think over about this relationship. It's better that way and that's the only way to make everybody satisfied. I'm not that strong enough to leave you both and I need both of you. How selfish I am. I need to clear up my head first, prioritize things that I should have done and maybe I can think more clearly after that. 

In the end of our talk, we did not agree to anything. He want things just the way they are and maybe he will doing the same thing I did to him; looking for another girlfriend. I know I shouldn't bother by that but ouchh..it's still hurt at the same time, a lot, when he said those things. 

I wonder how much I hurt him. 
I wonder what is his feelings right now.
I wonder what does he sees in me.
I wonder if he ever trust me again.
I wonder if this love going to last.
I wonder what would be the ending of our story.
I wonder...


Cried myself to sleep last night. Things that I hate the most. 

Broken Promises

Promises. Such an easy words but it is so hard to do it. It is easy for you to say "Hey u, I promise utk sayangkan u sorg je.." but nak kuatkan hati utk tidak mencari yg lain tue sgt la ssah.

I've made a promise but I failed to keep it. I promise to love him and only him but I failed. I let my heart falls for another. Jahatnye diri aku buat bgtu dgn dia. He is so nice all that..what's more can I asked from him..?

I'm sorry dear but I'm in love with both of you and if I had to hurt one of you, I rather hurt myself because none of you deserve me. You guys deserve better than this.

Maybe I should dissapear. Maybe I should consider the transfer to Labuan. This is for their own good.

I AM SORRY!!

Weekends Trip Pt 2

04 January 2014: Cik Radhiah Rahamad aka wee aka radh aka cik ah is officially engaged with her bf, Muslih or known as Mr Bumblebee (sbb kereta dye kuning mcm bumblebee).

Pagi2 dh bngn, wpun masih mngntok lg since sampai rumah pun dah lambat, utk mnyiapkan props, kmas2 rumah n prepare ap yg ptt. Terasa mcm adk beradik sendiri yg nk tunang bila mnyibuk kat umah org mcm tue.. heee.. tapi xleh nk malu2 pown kat umah wee sbb mak dye sgt sempoi..heee..

All in all, majlis berjalan ngn ok I think, except wee nie bleh pla tdo sblm sarung cincin.. MALUUUUU.. hahahaha.. tapi tue
la Radhiah yang ktorg kenal.. boleh tdo di mana2 lokasi, x kira posisi yg mcm mna..

After majlis, pegi pla Tg Balau utk amek gmbr.. bajet xnk mandi la bila masing2 xtukar pakaian dri bju kurung and x bawa extra clothes. Bila dah smpai je, org yg pling eksaited tgok laut adalah Suzi n Ika. Dah mula mnyesal sbb xbawa baju.. pg basahkan kaki je la, utk buat syarat. Seriously, angin kat situ sgt kuat. Rambut pun dh xsiuman dh dalam semua gmbr. Tudung2 pun nk ttnggal2 dh. Agk over di situ anginnye.

Sudah puas amek gmbr, gerak la balik umah sbb nak balik to kl after maghrib. Having myself 2 bowls of sup tulang before balik, prot sgt2 kenyang and I am so sleepy utk drve balik mlm2.

Bergerak dari rumah wee around 8pm, stressed out dgn cra pmanduan kat area kulaijaya, masuk highway from Kulaijaya around 9pm. Msuk2 highway je dh hujan lbat..pandangan mata makin kabur tmbah2 lg mnguap a few times.. Berenti kjap kat rnr Machap smbil tnggu hujan reda. Mengadu kat dye since xbleh nk drve sgt, and he asked me to take a nap first..harus lh x kan. Driving from Machap to Sg Besi in 2hours and luckily my boyfie merah performed in its best (later I changed your tyre k baby).

Suprised him by not telling him that we're arrived to the studio and I know he is so glad and relieved that we're safely arrived when I see his smile at that time. I'm sorry dearie for making u worried bout me.

After having a late supper at 3 o'clock, finally safely arrived at home around 4 o'clock.  Woke up today with severe headache and backpain. I need proper sleep tonight.

Expenses: Gas (rm100) + Toll Kulaijaya-Sg Besi (rm39.60) = rm139.60

Note to self: Rest before travel during night and get yourself lots of candy to munch during driving.

ps: still missing you..

Besties

Weekends Trip

Start of 2014 dgn trip ke Kota Tinggi (to be exact Felda Semenchu) utk mnyibukkan diri for besties' engagement. Haruslah mewajibkan diri utk dtg since dye besties yg PERTAMA sekali tunang among ktorg. Sronok lbh kpda jumpa2 yg laen. It's been a while x hang out wlaupun msing2 lain2 prangai kan.

Perjalanan bermula dri rumah around pkul 8.30 pm. Mula2 bajet nk gerak awal sbb umah dye nie pun blh than jauh jga la tp end up grk lmbt jg skit sbb msing2 prot senak lpas dinner.  Driver of the day, diri sndiri dan dibantu oleh co-pilot cik ika. Biasanya ika yg drve and I'm more to co pilot je tp memandangkn dye mmg silau mlm, it would inconvenience for her to drive dgn air mata yg bercucuran kan. My problem pla, x nmpak dgn jelas juga. Mungkin disebabkan glasses dh lama xtkar or effect medications kot. (Note to self: do not take any medication before driving).

All the way drive to johore with speed of 130 km/j (I know it's over the speed limit..heee~) and within 2 1/2 hours dah sampai ke hentian sebelah kulaijaya for short break. Sempat la nk mnum hot coffee while waiting for ika to perform her solat.

Exit at Kulaijaya and heading for Kota Tinggi signboard, I remember him and our memories. Sempat la juga melayan perasaan sendiri sebelum sing-a-along dlm kereta with ika. Dri exit Kulaijaya to Semenchu takes about 1 hour plus I think. Lepas je bandar Kota Tinggi, minyak dah mengelip2. Hati dah risau. It's already past 12 and there's no pump station yang buka. Hoping minyak cukup untuk ke rumah and with handphone with battery, drive juga. Luckily selamat juga sampai dalam pkul 1.30 am. Thanks God for that.

Thought of doing chit chatting with the girls but masing2 muka mngntok and memang nak kena rehat. It's time to rest. I wonder how to drive balik to KL tomorrow.

Budget: Minyak (rm60) + Toll Kajang-Kulaijaya (rm37.90) = rm97.90.

p/s: I'm torn apart between two but for now you have a little of my ♥ mister. Wink!!

Confusion Part 2

How easy it is to fall in love? I think I have problem of falling too fast and too hard.

Erghh.. but he is too sweet.. how can I resists him when he's doing all the things that make my inside turned all melty all that..

Stay away from him? That would be hard. Getting closer with him? Also would be very hard.

Get your sense together Freda!!

Confusion

Hearts..

What do you want exactly? Just choose one before it is too late.

2014

Start off 2014 with different feelings.. 2013 come and go in a blink of eye.. Too many tears, laughters, love, heartbreaks, family loss in one year.

2014: Start with single status.. love not main concern for now. Enjoy life to the fullest with the loved ones. Travel a lot. Learn like there's no tomorrow. Smile even when it's hurts.

Mom did asked about future bf. How can I told her that all my ex bf was not the same religion as we are. Not now mom.. Not now.. Someday..